ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
