We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
