I accidentally had phone sex last night
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
