Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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