They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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