I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
The power of my boobs compel you
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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