True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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