I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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