when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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