My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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