i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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