a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize