R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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