I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
