Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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