I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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