You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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