If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i just had sex bonerless
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
