I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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