I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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