I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
