Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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