just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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