im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It's never too late to be topless.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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