Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
