How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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