Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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