Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
