I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
