Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
