Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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