so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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