the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
