sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
this hospital has no fireball
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
