Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
