Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
