Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
