State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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