she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
