well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
