I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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