You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
