all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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