i would punch a child for taco bell
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
