forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
