The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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