that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
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