only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
