I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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