Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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