So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
