if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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