At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
