Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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